g-g-g-G-UNIT! (the title has nothing to do with the entry)

i want to lounge on sunday mornings in stripey men's-type pajamas, my artsy-fartsy tortoiseshell glasses eating a croissant and strawberries from one of those bed/breakfast trays, and reading the new york times. maybe even attempting the famed and difficult sunday crossword. (assuming that i someday have the smarts to comprehend anything IN the NYT) i want lots of light. sunlight open windows with breezes. i want to listen to jazz and classical and learn more about it. i want to be inspired to write brilliant poetry, and maybe even start that autobiography that everyone seems to think i should write. about life as a bipolar. or all my bizarre dating/hookup stories. or both: dating tips from someone who really shouldn't be giving advice on these sorts of things; she's crazy, after all.

i think i like that title. or perhaps the slightly overused, it could only happen to...miss meredithelaine.

i want the patience to learn how to enjoy sleep. i want to learn how not to feel that internal rush, and not panic that i am somehow wasting time. i want to learn how to make ONE fabulous dinner, and ONE fabulous soup (that doesn't involve the microwave or the telephone). i want to learn how to swing dance. i want to take voice/piano/guitar lessons. i want to go to canada. and jamaica (again).

i want to live. i don't just want to be alive. i want to smile more than i do. i want to be beautiful in an indescribable way. i want to have that spark. i don't want to worry so much.

in many ways, i want to start over.

in other ways, i have no idea what the hell i want.

i have little flashes in my mind of how i see myself. my future. this was all sparked from a conversation with G about a fight she had with her brother last night. the fight was about future goals. G wants to travel; that's her ultimate goal. her brother wants to sit on the sofa and watch sports; that his ultimate goal.

(i suppopse it should be said that her brother is about 3 years older than her, works for a major corporation and makes tons of money, and is buying a HOUSE in center city this year. meh)

so i've been thinking about my ultimate goals. what do i want out of life? it's so difficult to even fathom anything lofty, because i truly just don't believe that i can even attain the simplest, most basic ones. i can't look at the big picture. it's too hard to envision, because that's setting myself up for disappointment. i've divided and re-divided my "goals" into such miniscule pieces, that on any given day, things like: i don't want to binge today, i don't want to cry today or i don't want to miss a spot while shaving my legs have become things to aspire to.

and most days, i can't even get THOSE right.

if i can't achieve anything from one day to the next, or one HOUR to the next, how am i supposed to become a singer-songwriter, own a staffing company, and/or become the world's coolest soccer mom?

and/or anything else...?

posted by: less-than3

spoke the truth!

[if you like what you read, please clix me!]

1:35 p.m.
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