i have one-month's rent saved up so far
there's so much you don't know. you think i'm doing okay, that i'm happy here. but i'm planning my escape.
i wish you could know that i'm never going to be like you guys, and be okay with that. but i know you'll call me selfish; laying guilt trips on me for what i have in mind.
i never wanted to be a CEO. i never expected to make 100K a year. as long as i could surround myself with music, friend, poetry, beer, love and an occasional shopping spree at Target -- i knew i'd be okay.
i know i never quite made the grade. you'd always "tsk" at the tiniest mistakes i made. i'm not the beauty with the ivy league degree -- that never has, and never will be me.
when the time comes that i tell you i'll be leaving, i'll expect to leave that night. i don't expect you to want me around for the 2 months i've allotted myself to tie up loose ends.
i won't expect you to understand that i'm only following my star. that's all i've ever wanted to do. there are people who want me around in this world, and not just on THEIR terms. i need to surround myself with that. but i don't expect you to understand.
there's always room for a good admin somewhere - i'll make a living. maybe i'll get back into retail. maybe i'll read over the past 10 years of misery that's chronicled in a million journals, both online and on paper, and compile the best of the best. maybe no one will want to give it a second glance. if that's the case, i'll publish it myself.
i'll sign a copy, "love always."
will that help you to comprehend the world through my eyes? will that ease the pain i'll have inflicted upon you by my greed of wanting to live FOR ME? or will it lay untouched? will it collect dust after you read a few stanzas and shake your heads in confusion?
i'm not the functioning alcoholic (well, perhaps...), i'm not the fearful shut-in (most of the time), and i'm certainly not the princess bride. i don't know if i'll ever find Jesus as my personal lord and savior.
i just want to be happy. and i'm sorry, i'm so unbelievably sorry that it won't be in a way that you want it to be. i'm sorry if my eyes don't see the glory of the coming of the Lord, or that my BS in Sociology is just that -- B.S. i'm sorry if you can never see past your own anger (that i know will be there), to see that i'm trying to do what's best for ME.
i never mean to disappoint you, yet i know that i always do.
i can only beg that if you can't give me your blessing, that you just try...for a moment, to grasp why i'm doing what i'm doing. and failing that, just wish me good luck.
love always,
meredith elaine
posted by: less-than3
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