spit my soul through the wire
i struggled, and failed, to not cry. hands. words of false comfort. i am not so detatched that i can feel one and not the other. it is everything all at once. i know it - i'm not stupid.
when there's something that has been seemingly broken and violated, i believe that it is my fault. maybe i have been too kind, too quick to giggle and joke. maybe i have thrown dust on the line, to slightly hide it and not cause problems.
i've tried to dance in time, and with all the correct steps. i've sang in tune. i've smiled. i've come forth bearing gifts. all for acceptance, or something like it. not even truly, hell, just pretend, and it would feel like enough for me.
but sometimes...
am i supposed to just turn to steel with no sense of humor? it's pretty much impossible for me to do that. that is my downfall.
i am weak today. exhausted. i've been shaking all day, but not visibly. my hands appear steady, but my nerves are jolting. i've slept most of the day away. i ate 25 yumsters (kinda like dunkin' donut's munchkins, only better). i bought a charger and connecting wire for my iPod and my car stereo. to replace the crappy FM-sterep adapter i bought the other day (note to self: return that piece of shit to RadioShack pronto!) i don't think that i like ice cream anymore. at least not the chocolate/caramel/marshmallow kind i had earlier. i am feeling sick.
there is nothing peaceful or familiar to grab onto tonight.
my neck and back hurt badly. and of course, as always, my heart.
posted by: less-than3
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