this can't be healthy
*smack*
into my face. into my brain. the aching throb-throb-throb of whatever neurological mishap is going on up there in my noggin. to hopefully be explained on november 21st (dr appt).
the throb-throb-throb is running in time with the continual plopping of tears that are too shy to show themselves. but i feel them, plopping and dropping inward.
and my throat is so sore, so swollen, for no reason today.
exhaustion claims me at the end of the day. i love my drives to and from work - smoking and coffee in the AM, smoking and water in the PM. iPod at the ready. drive through the sunny autumn leaves listening to the single version of "she says" by howie day. it's delicious. i always smile when it comes on. for whatever reason, it's bittersweet. it's my goodbye song. it's how i imagine myself as i drive away, leaving everyone and all this pain behind.
but that comes in 4 or 5 months. that freedom.
for now, i am struggling. i am only carrying on because of the encouragement i get (you all know who you are). that, and my excellent work ethic, which somehow propels me through my day.
we have a spreadsheet that we keep of the resumes that we do. granted, there's always margin for error (forgetting to add one to the list, etc.), but here's the tally:
11/1 - 17
10/31 - 13
10/27 - 15
10/26 - 11
10/25 - 21
10/24 - 11
10/21 - 18
no one can accuse me of slacking in my depressive state. i am getting shit done. how do i manage to plug away like this? i wish i knew...i'd bottle it and sell it and make millions.
i don't want to do this. i want to collapse and wallow. i want someone to officially tell me that it's okay for me not to be able to handle "the real world."
but no. i am wonderful. i am capable and superwoman. and i HATE it. because it's all, "despite what's wrong with you, you're doing GREAT!" but this smile is FAKE, and you don't fucking GET it. you don't understand that i am hurting so badly. but i have fucking PLANS, plans that almost NO ONE in my "real world" knows about. so i am fake smiling and being competent so that i can get my paycheck twice a month, and put money towards my dream.
i now have just about 2 months' rent saved up. and it's exhausting me every day. but i keep going.
someday, this is all going to be worth it.
until then, have sweet tylenol PM dreams...
posted by: less-than3
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