this is the nasty, spiteful, "i hate my family" entry i've been saying i was going to post and never did. well, here it is, folks
there have been a few things that my family has said to me lately that has gotten under my skin.
the first happened a couple weeks ago. my mom and i were talking about my nephew, and she said, "you know, your sister asked me the other day if it ever occurred to me that he might be my only grandchild. i told her that yes, it had."
what???????
i know that my sister went through hell to have that child. fertility shots, years of trying, a difficult pregnancy. so the odds of her having another child are pretty low. they're not TRYING, but if it happens, then it happens.
but basically, the thought process was that I would not be having a child. ever. i'm not even 30 yet, and my family has written me off as un-marriable and un-pregnantable. all hope is lost, apparently.
"wow. i don't know how to take that," was my response.
my mother tried to convince me that it wasn't what i thought. my sister had seen something on TV about a woman who was bipolar (this happened before my recent re-diagnosis), and how the medication made it hard for her to get pregnant, but going off the medicine made her condition worse, etc. i'm having a really tough time buying that. even so, it still seems to me that there's a "meredith won't ever be normal and have a normal life" undercurrent. i'm either somehow unworthy of marriage and family life, or i'm simply just too CRAZY to wed and procreate.
****
upon my new diagnosis, my father said to me, "now, don't go telling anyone about this." now granted, i'm not about to tell my new coworkers about this, but i'm certainly not going to deny it to anyone who asks. i'll tell anyone i damn well please. ain't no shame in my game. maybe in yours, pop, but not mine.
that night, mom, dad and i were sitting around the dinner table. i was expressing how it's all a bit frightening to me. there's a lot of work to be done, and a lot of complications that could happen. my father's response: "you just take your meds and forget about it."
of COURSE! forget it! ignore it and it will go away. simple as that. hell, maybe i don't need medication at all!
an off-handed comment i made was of the "why me?" variety. (blatant self-pity moment. so sue me.) "why was I the one to get this? why does my sister get to be the normal one?" this was said in a half-joking, half-not manner.
(as i've mentioned on more than one occasion in this diary, my sister is beautiful, thin, smart, successful and...oh yeah, SANE)
my mother responded, "would you rather have THIS, or go through what you sister went through to have your nephew?"
now, i am not downplaying AT ALL the hell my sister went through. i saw the anguish, the physical pain and how much it drained her. i wouldn't wish that on anyone. i can't even imagine how horrible that must have been for her. i don't know how or if i'd be able to deal with something like that.
that being said, i don't think it's a fair question to ask. which would i rather have? i'd rather have neither, thanks. but honestly, i think that question is along the lines of comparing apples to oranges. you can't put a problem that is primarily mental vs. one that is primarily physical and compare them on the same level.
****
then there's the issue of my nephew's birthday. maybe 4 days beforehand, my mother tells me that she, my father, my sister, bro-in-law, and nephew will be going to my sister's condo down the shore to celebrate his birthday. apparently this had been planned for a while. my mother said to me, "you know, if you're not doing anything this weekend, maybe you could come down." i wasn't kept in the loop, wasn't outright invited, but if i happen to be in the neighborhood, i should pop in and say hello.
as an added bonus, my sister called me the morning before the gathering down the shore (mistakenly, since she thought she was calling my mom's cell) and did not even MENTION the weekend. not a "hey, you're coming, right?"
of course, i shouldn't be surprised. in my 3 years in philadelphia/hatfield, my sister NEVER came to visit me. she went to Penn, you'd think it'd be fun on that level AT LEAST for her to come visit. my parents, not counting move-ins and move-outs, visited me THREE TIMES. once for a karaoke contest (that i won, btw), and then 2nd time i bribed them by offering to buy dinner for Father's Day. the 3rd was when i sprained my ankle.
i was 2.5 hours away. it's not like i lived in north dakota.
now that i think about it, none of them came to visit me AT ALL when i was living down the shore with the evil ex. and that was only an hour and 15 minutes away.
i have ALWAYS been the one to haul my ass to visit them. and of course now they all love having me home. it's certainly a hell of a lot more convenient. no one has to worry or even THINK about hauling ass anywhere.
honestly, this makes me rethink the whole jersey thing, anyway. lord knows i don't want to stay under this roof forever, and i can't afford to get an apartment by myself here. i think i could move to missouri, or nevada, or florida. it wouldn't matter. i wouldn't be visited. i'd rarely be called. i'd still haul ass home (for holidays, anyway).
i've got a lot of fucking bitterness in me right now. i had to get it all out. i'm sorry if this all sounds trite and catty, but it fucking hurts.
more and more, with my family, i just feel like i'm going through the motions.
posted by: less-than3
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