to her own reflection she said "i will hold on"

i need to stop apologizing for who i am. i can't seem to help it. i hate being so ashamed. embarrassed. of myself. asking for people's mercy because of who i am.

i really should take on the attitude of: "here i am. you don't like it? then fuck off."

i almost feel like i have to make a list. or charts and graphs. or write a book: "Meredith Elaine for Dummies"

not that anyone's dumb, mind you. maybe if i just got broken down into little chapters, maybe i'd be easier to understand. maybe i'd be tolerable:

i am going to take everything personally.

if i don't hear you breathe, it means that you hate me.

if there is a way to abuse myself, i will find it.

i will get drunk and cry.

i will assume the worst.

i want guys to want me.

i want other guys to be jealous of the other guys that want me.

i'm going to hide all my selfish thoughts -

but know this: i'm not going to stop thinking them.

i want to make it all better,

but i don't know how.

there will be days when there is just no convincing me that life is worth living.

sometimes i will become so high and giddy off of nothing at all, but you'll swear i'm on crack.

i will do my damnedest to try and hide it when i'm upset.

then get pissed off when no one notices that i'm upset.

i have a craptastic memory.

the things that i do remember, are stupid little details that become monumental in my mind.

i am affectionate to the point of nausea.

i'll give you a hug when you need one, and even when you don't.

i want the sun to rise and set on my ass.

i want to always feel important.

i thrive on angst.

i guess that somehow, deep down, i must love my drama.

i run off after butterflies when i see them.

i like to blow bubbles.

i will bake cupcakes for no reason, but then again...

give me just a tub of cake frosting and i'll be your friend for life.

i get distracted.

"huh?" is a word i say often.

i get so much satisfaction from seeing other people happy.

i want to buy you presents.

lots of them.

i think that i confuse people.

maybe it's me. maybe it's me and my attitude towards myself that is hurting me so much. maybe i need to accept myself. REALLY TRULY accept myself. maybe it's my negativity towards myself that leads to the destruction of all the things i hold dear to me.

perhaps i'm my own worst enemy. i'm the self-fulfilling prophecy.

just so this isn't a completely depressing entry...i'll include some pictures from last weekend. you know, the night of the "mr. grabby hands" incident.





yes, i'm the dork in the white hat.

posted by: less-than3

spoke the truth!

[if you like what you read, please clix me!]

10:06 p.m.
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