someday we'll find it, the rainbow connection -- the lovers, the dreamers, and me
the only prescription i paid for and took home with me was my birth control, because, well, i�d like to stay baby-free for the time being. i have to keep current on that, and keep the cycle going. plus, it was the least expensive of my prescriptions, not being covered by any insurance, at $39.99. the others ranged in cost from $120 to $380.
i�ve been rationing out my meds since i�ve been here. my adderall, topomax, lexapro and wellbutrin. the chemicals that supposedly keep me well-balanced, happy, (relatively) slim, and migraine-free. even when i had the coverage, i was still paying $25-50 for each of the prescriptions. the birth control was again the bargain at fifteen or twenty bucks.
i�m the girl who avoids doctors like the plague. it took a lot for me to finally go to a doctor for my migraines (even though technically, it was my shrink who put me on the topomax for them � but it helps with my bpd and weight loss too � bonus!). last year was the first time i had gone to a dentist in 12 years (still no cavities � ha!)�and trust me, i don�t plan on going back anytime soon. i don�t even like taking tylenol. it�s ridiculous. but yet i�m on this chemical cocktail just to keep myself on an even keel. does that make me weak?
i know that in a lot of peoples� eyes, a lot of people that i know, even�taking medications is a sign of weakness. and so i struggle with that daily. because deep down, i wonder what these people truly think of me. do they see me as this pathetic being who has no control over her emotions, and has to rely on several crutches just to maintain? or do they see me as someone who is trying the best she can, and this is just another avenue? because there are people whose opinions matter so much to me, and i�d die to think that they think that i�m just this flawed and pathetically weak creature that doesn�t know how to try. i�d hate for them to think that i am taking some sort of �easy way out.�
it�s times like this that i feel myself giving in to the stigma that is attached to �mental illness� � and i hate that. yes, i�m fucking mentally ill. am i as ill as a lot of people? no. but i�m worse off that a lot of others. i�m probably middle of the road mentally ill. but it�s still funny when doctors (not my shrink, but other doctors) say to me, �wow, you�re on a lot of medications for a woman your age,� and none of them are for anything physical. not high blood pressure, not for heart ailments or stomach ailments. sure the topomax helps with the migraines, but it was prescribed for my borderline, primarily.
sometimes i wish that the �newer� people in my life, the people that i most fear think less of me for the bottles that are lined up on my countertop, could have a chat with those who have known me longer. my family, becca, the scranton crew�all the people that have seen the absolute worst of me. the endless crying and storming out of bars, walking home alone at 2am. the isolation booth that i put myself in, hiding from everyone, �making mixtapes and collages out of magazine cut-outs� � that was always a sign of my darker times (heh, especially if i was listening to tori amos as well: �oh no, look out, mer�s listening to tori again!�). all the apologies i made, over and over, for things that they never understood � and hell, neither did i. i know it confused them. but i think that they�ve seen me get better over the years; at least, i hope they�ve seen that change in me. i know i�ve seen it in myself. and yes, i do think that the meds have helped, because i do believe that a lot of mental illness is biological (chemical imbalances) in nature. but situations and environments also play their part, there�s no denying that. and you have to take steps and act and make efforts to dig yourself out of your own hellhole. i truly believe that i have made a lot of progress in that respect.
i don�t know if i would have come as far as i have, if i�d not been been properly diagnosed � even though it took years and years. hell, it took my mom 20 years before she was diagnosed correctly and put on the right medication. she got worse and worse as i was growing up. it got to the point where she drove less and less, and eventually couldn�t leave the house. now she does. she drives on highways, and is even a speed-demon at times. she likes to go shopping. she�s upset with me because now that i�m in california, i won�t be around to go �black friday� shopping the morning after thanksgiving with her. that, in itself, it proof of progress for me.
so again, here i am, putting myself �out there� to the internet world � of myspace, etc�because i feel the need to yet again explain myself, to state my case. i feel like i have to prove myself to (all of) you. i�ve made new friends, and i fear so much to lose them. and i don�t know how to not be superduper honest. it�s a fault, almost. to show all these flaws that otherwise, you�d probably never even know. unless i had some sort of ugly night, which is possible, someday. i guess i just want to explain it, beforehand, in case it happens. which i hope it doesn�t. but if it does�
i just don�t want it to be held against me. i don�t want to be seen as weak. because believe it or not, i�m stronger than i have been in years. despite that, though, there�s a pang in my heart and in my stomach that i feel every time that i grab a cup of water, a pop open those annoying childproof caps. when i tilt my head back and swallow, i know that you know what i�m swallowing, and i can�t help but wonder what you�re thinking of me. are you judging me? do you think that i�m a slave to the pharmaceutical gods? do you think i�m just flat-out crazy? will it all become too much? will i be abandoned?
i�ve been told that i�m not easy. i�m not easy to be friends with, or to be in a relationship with. my father always told me that i was just a �very sensitive girl� � little did he know that there are clinical names for that. i am very self-aware. i am self-conscious to the extreme, and i know every difficulty i cause. and i try and fight it, every step of the way. it is very hard for me to relax, because i am afraid of being watched and judged, especially once someone knows my background. maybe i shouldn�t share my stories, but i almost feel obligated to warn everyone. caution: rough terrain ahead.
i can promise this � my self-awareness allows me to realize when i am becoming UN-me. but i would ask that if you start to see me becoming radically different from the meredith that you know and like/love, and you don�t think i realize it, that you tell me. because that�s the last thing that i want. another thing i promise, is that i am always trying my hardest, to be the best person that i can. i try to be good, and sweet, and kind. i try to do what�s right, and what�s best for others. am i sometimes selfish? of course, aren�t we all? but overall, i really am trying to look out for everyone that i care about.
i hope that comes through and that it shows.
posted by: less-than3
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