and the calm away by the storm is chasen
bagels and milk solve all problems. problems induced by bad thoughts and pinot grigio.
to anyone who read my 2am diary entry -that i have since deleted - i'm sorry. everything's cool. don't worry, because, you know, this is just how i get sometimes, right?
sometimes i don't understand myself. sometimes i don't like who i've become, and who i'm becoming. sometimes i hate that no one else sees that. sometimes i hate that no one says anything. sometimes i hate that no one's telling me that i need to be fixed. sometimes i hate that no one's telling me how to do it.
another day, another disasterous display. what's the use in just sitting back and watching? is it some sort of amusement?
i wish it was fall. i wish i could wear my baggy jeans and my grey turtleneck sweater. the one i wore the day i met you. i've had that sweater since i was in high school. i'll never get rid of it. i wear it and i feel comfortable, safe and pretty.
autumn is comfort. autumn is crunchy leaves and cotton candy. pumpkin picking. apple cider and cinnamon donuts.
i don't enjoy being so tainted. i don't enjoy being sick. i don't enjoy knowing that i'm the giant pink elephant in the room that everyone knows is there, but won't acknowledge.
i think that the apparant apathy is what kills me the most. obviously there is something wrong (with me). i don't like being ignored, it's true. but these things, the flaws -- the parts of me that i know must piss people off, or worry them, (because how can this be beautiful or commonplace?) -- just sit there, waiting to illicit a response. (but never do)
or is the confidence just SO high that i'm okay, or will be okay, that none of it deserves a reaction?
eh, it doesn't matter anyway. i'll just mark my eyes with thick black eyeliner, let the amber mix with my strawberry lipgloss, and dance myself free. as always...
just remember this: despite the bruises and scars, the mishaps and mistakes, the tears and hoarse voices, the shaking and blinking eyes, the apologies for unknown reasons...and everything in between that is ugly, tainted and raw...
my heart is pure.
posted by: less-than3
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