hate is a strong word
i seem to have a lot of it. i know i've vaguely touched upon it at times. i don't know if it's because i was taught to be a "good girl" and not get angry (i don't really remember being taught that), or if my father's loud voice in general scared me so much that i was always afraid of what ACTUAL anger sounded like. i AM an avoider of confrontation, after all.
i hate confrontation, but as part of project meredithelaine 2K6, i have been telling it like it is, no matter what the consequences. i've been doing well with it, thus far, i'd say. i've told my family and my coworkers about the move to san diego, i've disclosed some very personal information to certain people, aired some grievances...
it hasn't all been sunshine and roses. one working relationship is permanently strained and uncomfortable and leaves me counting down the days more than anything else. if this thorn in my side wasn't around, i honestly would be infinitely more sad to leave. but this person alone makes me ITCH to scream, kick him in the balls, flip off the office, and bail.
but i need the cash, y'all. two more paychecks. heh.
i'm not a violent person at all. i've never hit anyone. never thrown anything -- except a pillow. yes, i threw a goddamn PILLOW in rage, people. oooh, fear me. i've had some really, REALLY shitty things said and done to me (as most of you know), and i've taken it. sat there and taken it like a little pathetic mouse of a girl.
the only violence i've ever inflicted has been upon myself -- cutting, fasting, binging, purging, self-medicating...most of these i've got under control, for the most part. but still, it's hard to not want to place the blame on myself and turn it all on me and punish myself for...reasons i don't even know.
i've always doubted my annoyances or things that were bothering me - whether in relationships or what-have-you. i always felt like i was overreacting. a lifetime of being called "oversensitive" and "overemotional" will do that to you. so i question everything i think and feel. maybe i'm just overreacting... because lord knows, i don't want anyone mad at ME because i got mad at THEM for something stupid.
this is what puts you in and out of therapy for 15+ years, and on and off various medications for 5 years and counting, and slaps labels on your head like depression, obsessive-compulsive, bipolar...no, wait, scratch that...borderline-personality.
but back to the anger. i stuff it inside. push it down. like i said, i don't want anyone mad at me. i've been called difficult and dramatic, which of course, i translate into NOT WORTH THE EFFORT. and i am so scared of that.
but as i'm learning to try to be a bit more assertive, and i'm venting and airing and speaking out, there's a LOT of left over anger from days gone by - lots of old wounds coming to the surface. things that i know i can't go back and change. people i know that i can never confront again. but god, if i could...
like, i said, i'm not a violent person, and i would never act out as such. but it SUCKS to know that certain people who have hurt me in undescribable ways are going on, living their lives, oblivious to how they've affected me. they are happy, and living lives that they DO NOT DESERVE.
call me a bitch, call me spiteful, but i want them to HURT. i want them to cry, and hurt physically, and be bruised, and bleed and suffer like i did. i want them to KNOW how it felt. how it still FEELS. i want them to not be so goddamn happy-go-lucky. i want them to have the sleepless nights and the nightmares and the addictions and the drama and the years of therapy and i want them to NOT live happily ever after because they do NOT deserve it. they deserve the worst that life has to offer for the things they said and did to me, and what they've probably done to other people.
i hate them so goddamn much.
i hate how angry i am...i almost feel like i should apologize for this entry...but i had to get it out of me...maybe someday i'll be free of it...
posted by: less-than3
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