i'm a hustla, homie
I just spent about an hour, on and off, writing an entry about my therapy session last night, and my current depression over money and my inferiority complex.
Then I realized I was coming off as a huge whiny-upper-middle-class baby. I�ll be the first to admit that I�m whiny, but the LAST thing I want to be associated with is the upper-middle-class. I get horrible high school flashbacks. I remember middle-aged rich bitches getting their nails done and then getting groceries at the Stop N Shop while wearing tweed jackets and Coach bags.
(ow. Make it stop)
My therapist is funny though. She�s going to mail the bills for my sessions to my father. �he�ll pay for them, I�m sure. �
Well, duh. He wants to take care of his �12-year-old daughter�. Keep her under his thumb through guilt and financial trickery. And now he gets his way. Indefinitely. And so goes the never ending saga of MeredithElaine, failure extraordinaire.
She should attach a card saying, �you had a hand in making her crazy, you can have a hand in making her well again.�
Christ, if I had any balls at all�well, I�d be a guy. But that�s not where I�m going with this. If I had any balls/guts/courage, I�d pack up my car and go. Somewhere. Sell all my crap or give it away. And just go away. Maybe to California. It�s sunny there. It�d probably be good for me. Being all seasonal-affective and all.
I�m shaky today. Of course, I�m caffeinated x12, and I�ve been up since 5am. I just feel�desperate. Very very desperate. All I want are the simple things. Pie-in-the-sky dreams are notions that I gave up on long ago. But I do wish I lived a different life. One in which I�m happy. Making ends meet. Feeling safe. Not panicked and desperate.
Oddly enough, I realized a little while ago that today is a horrible anniversary of sorts for me. Exactly 5 years ago today, the downward spiral began. It was the beginning of the end that brought me to this fucked up time of today, and clutters my chaotic head. If only I hadn�t quit that job; if only I hadn�t gone to that club to celebrate my last day at that job. Not that I wasn�t already screwed up in the head at this point, but�
...good god. Just make it go away. For all the shit that has gone down, there ARE parts of my life that are better now than they ever have been.
Why won't my brain let me revel in that?
(I typed this up in word. It properly capitalized everything. I hate capitalization. As if I wasn't agitated enough...)
posted by: less-than3
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