i really HATE the song "goodies"
(i'm nearly genius, you know. at least i was at last testing. no one would know it, though. not by how i act.)
i spend so much of my time, here at work, and elsewhere, just letting my brain turn to mushy goo. i do NOTHING. i read up on the latest gossip and musical goings-on. apathy is consuming me. what is inspiring? it's all blank walls and greyness.
i remember when i used to write words of beauty. drawn from sickness and sadness. now i'm just complaining about my everyday life in the most boring fashion. sitting and reading, how many of would say "who cares?"
certainly me.
what does a girl need to do to write something gorgeous? to feel as if i have something worth saying? maybe i just don't, anymore.
it's these moments, pulled from sheer boredom, that my mind spins with plans of self-destructive attack. how can i bring my world to a collapse again? how can i hurt to the point that someone feels me? until someone becomes enraptured by my existence?
yes, i know that i have lofty aspirations and a grandiose ego at times.
god. i just want to feel love and pursued and coveted and adored. i want to be the be-all-end-all, and equally as much, the bane of someone's existence. i want to be smacked in the face with some sort of recognition that i matter.
what made me this way? what occured to make my self-worth something so fragile?
i'm so wrapped up in my self-centeredness. but i see it, all the time. i see how others are viewed in awe, and placed on the pedestal of life. i need that so badly. my sense of my value in this world is so fucked-up that i need a constant stream of reassurance.
hence this diary, i suppose. but what happens when i don't have a thing to say? i have nothing to offer.
i can't stand living my life as someone sub-par.
i'm going to go grab my low-carb candy bars and throw myself a pity party in the corner.
posted by: less-than3
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