that's all there is, nothing more
or the pain has multiplied, depending on which way i'm sitting/laying/breathing.
(is it laying or lying, by the way?)
and i am still hacking up pieces of lung, just to let you all know. albeit slightly less heartily. so i suppose that's improvement.
there are a lot of things that i think, and do, that don't get placed here. or anywhere. well, not a lot of things, but enough. and they never will. it's a matter of not wanting to have to justify my actions and thoughts. i spend enough time rolling certain things around in my head, "justifying" them to myself.
over the years, i've cried and screamed and tried to create verbal charts and graphs, in response to being questioned over the things that i do. when what it really comes down to, is that nothing has to make any sense to anyone else -- just me. be it good or bad, and whether i am fully aware or oblivious to potential disasterous outcomes, it should matter not to anyone else.
trust me, though, that in pretty much every case, due to my tendency to obsess and overanalyze every aspect of every part of my life, i am COMPLETELY aware of the mistakes that i may or may not be making. and that is an abyss that i CHOOSE to step in. call it stupidity, naivete or just a bizarre sort of optimism, but these are my choices.
it's my responsibility to be cautious. and i am. and i am not. it has always been my nature to play both sides of the record this way. rush forward to backpedal.
what i have realized is this: i had already reached the rockbottomest bottom a long time ago. perhaps a few times. but i reached it. and i am still here today. a million times and more, i could have seen it coming. maybe in some ways i did. but i chose to ignore it. the whole making the bed and lying (laying?) in it thing.
i look clueless on the outside, but on the inside, i am anything BUT.
gah. this reads like a muddled mass of confusion.
i don't care. about the grammatic mush of this entry, and about everything else. i. don't. care.
because every part of myself that i extend, every ounce that i give, every confession that i make, every gift that i bestow, is in the name of hope. hope that things can and WILL get better. that somewhere, be it new jersey or madagasgar or anywhere in between or beyond, there is a rainbow attached to the silvery-lined dream come true with my name on it.
if i don't believe that, even in the tiniest crevice of my heart, then what is the point? why am i here? what am i doing on this earth?
exactly.
so if doing what i do, and thinking the way i do, brings me one step closer to that happiest of endings, or, at the very least, gives me a taste of what i can never have (because, let's face it, life could throw me in either direction; at least i have my eyes open to that fact), then do not DARE deny me that. do not argue me into compliance. do not rationalize a change of heart. i do not wish to hear it.
for better or for worse, i only do what i know how to do.
posted by: less-than3
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