i saw you, and you saved me from myself
an april thursday in NJ. logic tells me to refrain, but i promised myself that i wouldn't miss this. maybe it will mean going it alone (which i hate), or ebaying the tickets. that is, if philadelphia or DC prove to be weekend performances. but East Rutherford will be closest to my residence at that time. and since music saves my life (Taking Back Sunday and Jimmy Eat World in this instance), i can write this off in my mind as a therapeutic expense. cheaper than meds, since i'll soon be uninsured.
you can justify anything if you are creative enough. if i can placate myself for a while, then it's worth the expense. i can only expect bite-size bits of happiness (like a hershey's miniature) every so often. "the big picture" is a concept i cannot grasp. my big picture is painted black. the giant screen is staticky.
i can't believe it is turning out like this. spare me, dear friend,the kudos for perfecting the fine art of "starting over". the only result is a tally of failed attempts. an honorable mention in this pagaent-life.
2 months into the future will find me holed up in "my room" (shared with my nephew when he is visiting). i'll be hiding again, like i did when i was 15, when i was 19, when i was 26...
i've wasted too much of my life sleeping. my life had become too boring to bother staying awake past 830pm. of course, the aftermath of those months brought an equal amount of 330am bedtimes. reaching out, trying to touch someone. i should've known better. i DID know better. my apathy brought a smile to parched lips, though. i was a moving target with black eyeliner. the missles never seemed to miss the mark.
i should be dead, for many reasons. that statement is not a wish. it is merely truth. by my own hand, by my own negligence -- i should not have made it this far.
in many circles, i'm spoken of as having STRENGTH. i wish that people didn't believe that. STRENGTH implies resilience and determination -- qualities that exist sporadically, at best, in me. i don't want to be "strong" anymore. "strong" hasn't proven to be of any help to me. dumb luck has pushed me along from destination to destination. i am not better off for any of this: i'm just here.
i am all too aware of the fragility of good intentions and forgotten promises broken.
the best (and simplest) way to put it is this: i'm tired. i'm worn out. i don't want to be the strong one anymore. i want to be saved. someone save me. fix me. but DO NOT treat me as if i am an idiot. there is a fine line between savior and manipulator. guide and svengali.
i want to be saved, but treated with respect. i'm often too weak to keep going or to put up a fight. that fact has been taken advantage of too many times. my fault, i guess, for being the "open book" that i am. for exposing my weaknesses. for the honesty.
again, i'm an easy target.
EDIT: kelly gave me a gift today -- a supergold membership. you'll see a link for comments below. you know what to do, folks... (thanks, kelly!!!)
posted by: less-than3
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