joyful and triumphant

i read diary entries about people who are (gasp) happy. and i swear, it boggles my mind. it makes me seethe with jealousy. i'm not ashamed nor proud to admit that. i want what i cannot have, so it would appear. i do spend a lot of time wondering what it was that i did wrong in my lifetime. why am i being punished? why do i get merely a taste of happiness, only to have it snatched away from me the moment i get comfortable with it?

i've learned not to trust words of kindness and love, even though those melodic syllables tempt me and pull me like a magnetic force - day after day.

happiness is fleeting, happiness doesn't last. everything is a joke and a game. i HATE that it's my instinct to believe that. i HATE that i'm scared to let it go. i HATE that, despite my efforts, i still have no idea who i am. that i'm uncomfortable in my skin, and afriad of so much.

happiness is here, but on the clock. anxious to bust out of here like a disgruntled employee at 459pm.

to those who are happy, without the paralyzing terror and the expectation that it will all end tomorrow, i ask: what is the secret to your success?

i need to learn how to not let the fear ru(i)n my life.

it's just that, after so many instances where death was a near-miss, how much more can i take?

how can i avoid every little splinter from feeling more like i'm getting hit in the head with a 2-by-4?

posted by: less-than3

spoke the truth!

[if you like what you read, please clix me!]

3:01 p.m.
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