just to get knocked down
last night was rough. the high dropped to the low. sometimes the reality of my existence is a lot to take. it's depressing. crumpled-up dreams, the compromises of every wish, etc.
i had such an urge last night. i wanted to hurt myself so badly. i wanted to slice every part of me that feels guilt and shame and inadequacy.
i haven't always been successful in controlling myself and containing these urges.
i am, however, happy to report that i didn't do anything last night.
i decided that it would be best for me to just sleep it off. and so i did. a small success, in an effort to rebuild what i caused to crash and burn not so long ago.
*
today, my mother and i went to the cemetary where my grandmother and a few other assorted relatives are buried. we brought carnations, several different colors of daisies and a few other flowers to put in all the gravestone vases. we cleaned up the overgrown grass. mom told me stories about the relatives i never knew.
it never really hits me that gram is gone, and has been for 3 years now, until i visit her grave. i cried. i miss her.
i miss her as she WAS, before the circulation problems, the infections and the dementia. this was a woman who walked the GREAT WALL OF CHINA when she was 70! she went on cruises to alaska, and to germany when it was still divided into East and West. she was active in her church and loved to play bridge with her friends. her best friend's name was Beulah. Thelma and Beulah. what a pair, huh?
i don't want to remember her when she didn't know who i was. i don't want to recall the frail woman with thinning hair. i don't want to think about the morphine drips.
gram's birthday was on the 12th. i wished her a happy belated birthday. i gave my mom a hug.
then we left to go to the diner and have some lunch.
snagged from someone's LJ:
If there is at least one person in your life whom you consider a close friend, and whom you would not have met without the Internet, post this sentence in your journal.
you guys know who you are. i love you.
posted by: less-than3
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