understand before you judge
this is not easy to get over. this is not an overnight thing. it's an embarrassment. it's shame. teetering on the edge of failure, is not an ideal way to live. anxiety always. waiting for judgement. the verdict. is honesty always the best policy?
how would you do it? how would you cope with the nagging thought that you are not, have never been, and will never be good enough for ANYONE? that you are not smart enough, successful enough, pretty enough, thin enough, patient enough, sane enough. that you've missed the mark? that you couldn't step up to the challenge when the bar was raised? how would you feel to know that you have to compete - for attention, for love? because you are THAT fucking insecure?
i haven't been taught the best coping skills. i think i missed that seminar. i do the best that i can. and sometimes i'm closerthanthis to breaking. sometimes i succeed. sometimes i don't. no one can accuse me of not trying, though. if you do, then you don't know me at all.
only a few people can truly understand. i once told my old roomie and temp-roomie about it. they looked at me like i was insane. as if i was truly defective. they didn't see it as a symptom or a sign of something deeper. just an attack on my own body. i wanted to scream: why do you THINK i do this? why do you THINK i barely ate? why do you think i drank like a fish that winter? because i'm trying to be PERFECT for everyone. i want acceptance, even if it's not for "me" as i am. and i feel the need to punish myself when i fail.
over and over, i've been told that i'm just TOO MUCH TO HANDLE. by my exes and by MY OWN FUCKING FRIENDS. if you can tell me how to cope with that in a healthy, constructive, reasonable manner that will work, then i'll bake you cookies. or something.
it's this online community - i don't know if it's the (near) annonymity of it, the fact that most of you i will never see in person? - that has not seemingly labeled me as a freak, or an embarrassment, or a problem. i've received cyber-hugs and endless sympathy and encouragement. (thank you, btw)
yes, i'll be going to be going back into therapy. yes, i'm going to get my meds adjusted for the 473rd time. yes, i'm going to start working out, because it's good for me. yes, i'm going to take every suggestion and try to apply them to my life. someday, maybe, i won't have to live with a tube of neosporin and a bottle of diet pills at my side.
but i'm fucking angry, because i often feel as if i get the short end of the stick. when is it MY turn for the glory, for the (positive) attention, and for MY dreams to come true? and then a split second later, i feel selfish for even THINKING that. of course i don't deserve it, because if i did, i'd have it already.
THAT'S the mindset i live with. TRY IT. then tell me how easy it is. look at me incredulously and ask me why i need the constant reassurance...
TONIGHT'S PLAYLIST:i'm sorry i can't be perfect
the ghost of you - my chemical romance
down - something corporate
the district sleeps alone tonight - postal service
insomnia again - the lemming award
if you could read my mind - gordon lightfoot
be my escape - relient k
pagan poetry - bjork
the recluse - cursive
it's been awhile - staind
ironspy - splashdown
i feel so - box car racer
angel - sarah mclachlan
perfect - simple plan
always changing probably - toad the wet sprocket
2 points for honesty - guster
superman's dead - our lady peace
zero - smashing pumpkins
rise and fall - denison witmer
live again - better than ezra
standing on the edge of summer - thursday
sooner or later - breaking benjamin
breaking the habit - linkin park
touch - bright eyes
creep - radiohead
hyperballad - bjork
numbness for sound - howie day
untitled (how could this happen to me?) - simple plan
hemmorage (in my hands) - fuel
ghost man on third - taking back sunday
posted by: less-than3
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