meredith 101
but, you know, cheeselogs, chocolate, and tragedies get priority.
i finally went to the psych-doc yesterday. she's flaky, as i've mentioned in the past (forgetting appointments and what-not). i've never paid for a visit. until today. apparently she was under the impression that i'd been paying her at the end of every visit. and apparently she doesn't bill insurance companies. as a result, i had to shell out $75, and now i have to submit a claim to Oxford "We Suck Ass" Health Plans.
all this to get the generic version of wellbutrin. same dosage, just a different formulation. fucking frustrating.
and my lamictal was upped. i have to go up to 200 mgs, and if that doesn't work, then i'll have to work my way up to 300 mgs. i have to do all this v e r y s l o w l y, or else i'll get the bizarre flesh eating disease. (i wish i was kidding on that, but i'm not. check webmd if you don't believe me)
"you're depressed"
no shit.
"well, you're not manic, and you're not crying your eyes out..."
what she doesn't know...
i will probably only need to see her once more before i move. then i can start fresh with a new psychiatrist. this one just always seems distracted, and i feel bad telling her, "yo, this isn't WORKING." part of it is my nature not to want to disappoint people. and part of it is me not wanting to believe that i'm not doing well. there's a lot of shame involved. i'm SO ashamed of who i am. i'm ashamed that i can't be okay. and i think that other people in my midst are ashamed of ME. i've written this sentiment elsewhere, and have been told that i'm out of my mind (not in a mean way, heh), and that anyone who's ashamed to be associated with me needs a swift kick in the ass.
however, it's hard not to take shit personally, even though most likely, me taking certain things personally is part of my delusional nature.
earlier today, i went through my list of people who have me listed as a "favorite" -- and looked at everyone who actually wrote comments about me. i'm not going to lie, i needed to feel some love. and can i just say...whoa. thank you, to everyone who has said something nice about me in their profiles. maybe it seems kind of stupid for me to THANK you guys for that, but seriously. people writing that the love me, that i'm a true friend, that they understand where i'm coming from. some of you i barely know, and some of you have become dear friends. maybe i'm being silly, but the kind of validation that i get from your sweet, kind words, is beyond price to me. a lot of you have been reading me since the days of my old diary, so you know that i'm not full of shit when i'm saying these things. i'm not being insincere.
oh, and thanks to my banner-whore-ness, some new peeps have stopped by, and even dropped notes saying "hi". and that, to me, is also supercool.
my "real world" has become quite painful; i hide here a lot. i found out yesterday that my friend J, who i knew was going to be working in the area for a few months, has actually BEEN HERE for a while. the only way i found out was because i asked another friend, G, if she wanted to go with me to that Howie Day show i'm going to next week. G told me she had dinner plans with J. if schedules can coordinate, i'll meet up with them after the Howie show.
now, it was not my intent to infringe on their evening - i even told G not to worry about trying to work me into the plans. but i can't deny that it hurt, knowing that J has been around. G is not any closer to where J is than i am...so...i don't know. i felt slighted, i suppose.
but i've ALWAYS felt that way in regards to G and J, and with most of my college friends in general. i've always been on the fringe. when we're all together, everyone's happy to see me. but the times my phone actually rings is few and far between. for a while, i was very pro-active - i was making the calls out to people. in school, during summer breaks, and post-college. but if i didn't make that first move...my phone was silent. no plans were made.
i can count on one hand the people who i consider true friends. but for most, i've faded into an acquaintence. i can't explain why, and i'm certainly not blameless. in fact, quite the opposite. i've been a drain on them over the years. i mean, YOU try telling a bipolar freak of a girl to "get over herself". of course, most don't know that i am the way i am for a bonafide, chemical reason. most just think that i'm an overly sensitive drama queen. which is, of course, true. but there IS more to it than that.
but i can't just hold a caucus with the crew and break it down for them. everyone's got their own lives, their own friends outside of our circle. i've just always had a harder time making friends. i've always been better at wooing boys into my lair. (kidding) i've mastered flirting, though. it's superficial and easy. of course, now i have no idea the difference between when someone is flirting back or just being friendly. i tend to lean towards friendly, because, really, who'd hit on ME? this has proven to NOT be the case, however, and i find this out too late. which is not good when you have a boyfriend. not good at all.
this is the curse of having all your close male friends come out of the closet shortly after graduation. flirting is truly harmless. physical affection is of no consequence. in the real world of straight men, it's a completely different story.
yes, i'm quite aware of the fact that i'm socially retarded.
and i don't know how to be friends with girls, for the most part. i think it's partially girlie nature to not trust other females. i just don't know how to get the ball of friendship rolling.
all of this has intensified my social anxiety. i am shy. most of my friends would disagree. but the thing is, i need backup. i can be loud and obnoxiously fun, but i need people there WITH me. because that way, at least i know i won't be abandoned. if "new person x" decides that i'm lame, i still have people there who don't think that. or they do, but won't leave me anyway. my biggest fear is being alone. i can't be social by myself - meaning that i can't go to the local bar by myself. i'm afraid that people are staring and thinking, "awwww. poor lame girl with no friends," and are laughing at me. the few times i've gone somewhere by myself...it's been bad. really bad. flip through some old entries and you'll see what i mean. i mean, some guy pretended to be gay to appear "safe" to me, then nearly dragged me out to my car, started rubbing my shoulders, his hands started wandering, and i was very uncomfortable. even after i made it clear that, hey, i've got a man.
and it's my fault for trying to be friendly and having it misconstrued. and then i'm too nice to be a royal bitch and kick him in the nads. because i don't want people to hate me. i've put myself in potentially dangerous situations, in hopes of finding a friend.
and so, to all the new and old readers who have gotten this far, i shall end this entry. welcome to meredith 101.
this is the first brutally honest entry i've written in a while -- not hidden by cryptic poetic verbage. ugly, isn't it? scary for me. because even here, i don't want people to run screaming FREAKGIRL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
and i don't want to embarrass anyone in my midst by exposing my scars, real and imagined. that's the last thing i want. so if i have done that, i apologize. but this is me, honest and true. and it's taking everything in me not to say, "if i, and my entry this evening, have been the source of embarrassment, say the word and i'll erase this entry."
i did say about 3 paragraphs ago that i was ending this, didn't i...?
<3
posted by: less-than3
[if you like what you read, please clix me!]
meredithelaine's recently played tracks:
meredithelaine's most played tracks of the past week:
