never on the left, 'cuz my right's my good ear
and so...
i think i start a lot of entries and sentences with "and so..."
how unbelievably boring.
am i boring? am i redundant? you can tell me, you know. i know that sometimes i just don't have a grain of individuality or uniqueness to me. it kills me, because i do try and dig it up out of the depths of me. but really, how much "blah blah, poor me, depression, work, bipolar, fat, blah blah" can you take before it just isn't interesting anymore?
it's days like this where i feel the need to reinvent myself. again, the boring monotony of saying "oh god, i'm so boring..."
talking about being boring, is boring in itself. and sadly, there are hundred of other girls (and boys, truth be told), that can speak of their angst and issues better than i.
sometimes i worry about that. sometimes i wonder if i should continue here. there are other venues. but i know writing here is like an addiction. i just don't write anything riveting anymore. fading into the drudgery of the everyday. thinking of elaborate days that surely will never come to fruition.
how do i throw myself out of this? there's so much i desire, and it's just this angst, every FUCKING DAY. i torture myself (on purpose?). maybe that's the one way that i feel alive. maybe anything else feels like a lie.
i want to be grace and beauty personified. i want to be a delicate angel. i want to be the grand desired object. the seemingly unattainable - the quest.
["i've always been the easy kill" - jimmy eat world]
easy. that word holds so much meaning - most of those definitions negative. and i am the embodiment of them all. and for someone who wants, so badly, urgently, to be the inspiration -- "easy" is a black death.
meanwhile, mtv.com's the leak is previewing the new jay-z/linkin park cd. holy good omfg aldskfja;lskdj! 2 of my favorite artists mashin' up their jamZ (with the Z, for nicole, because she can't sleep. heh) -- it's just delicious music.
i do feel like i need to fall asleep to howie's madrigals ep. or the accomanying dvd. that will bring me some peaceful sleep...i hope.
posted by: less-than3
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