one day i'll go dancing on the moon
you're thinking too much. again. but is it really thinking too much, when you realize that you have $140 to get you to the 15th, and a $70 cell phone bill due on the 10th? so that leaves you with, yes, $70 until the 15th. save for the $100 handout that you accepted from dad (again). you stupid bitch. can't even keep your pride intact, can you?
you bought groceries today. hoping that it can last awhile. $10 isn't that bad for veggies, canned pineapples, baked tostitos and diet coke, right?
you wrack your brain -- how can you cut costs, and make ends meet? you already don't shop for fun anymore. mom was nice enough to pay for your clothes from the gap outlet. clothes for work. yes, another goddamn handout.
no more concerts. (NO! NO! NO! your mind screams) howie's touring this fall. you'll allow yourself that. and you've already bought tickets for 2 TBS shows. that's done and over with. but no more. no fun "ooh! this band would be great to see!" impulse purchases.
all traces of fun are slipping away. you can't go out. not that you go out that often anyway. but you do go visit L and B. and of course, D. you can still do that. yes. visit your friends and your boyfriend. they're the ones that keep you sane, most of the time. you were supposed to make plans to go out with ex-roomie this week. god. how do you explain to people that you can't afford to go grab dinner, or go out to a bar? hell, you can't even justify a blockbuster night.
(do. not. cry.)
can't buy lunch anymore. you MUST pack it up at home, and not be disappointed when noon comes and you're eating carrot sticks and jello. it'll be good for your diet, anyway.
you're NOT stopping getting your nails done. the one nice thing you do for yourself. you refuse. you're adamant about it. no more eyebrow waxes (get ready to bust out the tweezers; oddly this is more painful than the wax. ouch). you already only get you haircut once or twice a year. so you just won't at all for a long while. you wanted to even out the black/brown in your hair. maybe dye it red. so much for that plan.
note to self - get your home phone shut off. you have a cell. the home phone was to distract telemarketers and for emergencies. you don't need it. $15 bucks back into the "cookie jar". good.
you have an old bracelet and necklace you can sell to the jewelry store in lansdale. turn in some cds to the place that buys them back. you don't trust yourself with ebay -- you couldn't even manage to send out your north carolina postcards FROM north carolina. still haven't sent them out. oops. so you wouldn't want unhappy ebay customers who don't get the shit they won.
start to wean yourself off of meds. birth control is only $10 -- that can stay. but the wellbutrin - cut back to 1 every 2 days. then twice a week. then once. then none. the lamictal - down to 100mg/day for a week. then 50mg/day for a week. then 25mg. then none. you know you have to do that one slowly. it's dangerous. but you have no choice. it is too expensive. no more visits to the psychiatrist - not that you've received any bills from her yet. but just in case. and therapy, well, that's been out of the picture for a while now.
check your lease -- what is the penalty for breaking the lease? is it feasible to leave? it better be. where will you go next? shake your head -- you can't think about that yet, because you don't have a clue. you want to run away from home, but have no where to go. one step at a time. you can figure your destination later.
a million thoughts are running through your head right now. none of them good. remember when dad said (drunkenly) -- "i want you to tell me your dreams..."? how do you tell someone that you don't HAVE dreams anymore? the far-fetched ones died a long time ago. now even the simple, "conventional" dreams are fading. fast. you know better than to hope for the best.
face it, you're failing.
you. are. very. fucking. scared.
posted by: less-than3
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