you can't change the way you feel

i have a lot of little mini-snippets of things on my mind. and because i try and keep it as real as possible, i'm just going to spill it. you know how i do.

health update: not quite as congested, but still very much so. still can't turn my head without a lot of pain.

i went for another walk today. even jogged for a bit of it (whoa. stop the presses. meredith the fitness queen is BACK!) i went for 4 walks a day while i was in NC. you'd think i would have lost some weight. not so much. *sigh* my mom showed me pictures she had taken when i moved in april. 15 lbs less than i am now. i wanted to cry. because i can (almost) say that i looked good then. almost like a normal, pretty girl. if i could only get the resiliency to exist on one meal per day again, i'd be good to go. but, apparently, not so much. pass the kit-kat bars, please.

why can't i just be beautiful and thin and successful and loved, goddammit!

***

(as if you couldn't already tell) i am not in a good place right now. the whole vacation thing, and a few other things, has beat me into a fine pulp. i have spent a great deal of the past 2 days trying to sleep, failing miserably, so i end up just staring into space, or reading and drifting in my own little fantasy-dream world that is a lot better than my real life appears, at the moment.

that being said -- i am having a pity party. i am fully aware that i am sitting around feeling sorry for myself. quarantining myself from the world. sinking deeper. and no, i really don't feel like getting out at the moment. don't know if i can right now. i don't feel like playing the role of "strong, resilient meredith" on today's "very special episode" of my life.

so i'm going to curl up with some lime tostitos and a bottle of pinot grigio, write poetry, make bad mix cds, and wallow. do i realize that this is not the best way to deal? yes. do i care right now? no.

***

i went to the jewelry store today to sell a necklace and bracelet -- the combined value of which i know is at least $500.

i got a whopping $70.

*sigh*

i didn't pay for either of them to begin with, so it's still new money in my pocket. i can now pay my cell phone bill with confidence. whee.

if i can find a place to sell some cds, i might be able to have enough cash to go out tomorrow night with L and B. at the very least, i'll be at their party on sunday. and oh my, does it sound like it's going to be a humdinger of a time. my presence has been requested demanded.

***

because of my madd skillz in all matters involving STEALTH, i have howie day's home address. who's up for a road trip to maine????

***

i'm starting to really like that "pieces of me" song by ashlee simpson. god help me.

posted by: less-than3

spoke the truth!

[if you like what you read, please clix me!]

7:34 p.m.
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