thanks for making me a fighter
but i'm not.
*cue the christina aguilera "fighter" music*
i've already made a call to my p-doc, because, it could very well be an effect of the medication. she told me 2 months ago "if it's too small a dosage, it won't work. if it's too high a dosage, it won't work."
brilliant, eh?
so perhaps another adjustment is in order. i'm also going to do some research into finding someone to talk to. maybe the therapist i saw about 2 years ago.
i have to take matters into my own hands. make changes and reverse the damage.
i am under an intense amount of stress.
for one, i am terrified of what will happen at work after next week. i'll be "in charge" and the go-to girl for any issues that come up. the NM will have my back; as J told me "NM will not let you fail."
so that is somewhat comforting. it doesn't mean that i won't be nauseous every morning, though.
secondly, the impending move is starting to freak me out. i have nothing planned - no destination, no means, no job, no nothing. as is usually the case in my life, it will all fall into place. but the current status of "UNKNOWN" is not something that puts my mind at ease.
thirdly, i am going to be doing something i don't like to do: ASK for something. or at least, make my wants KNOWN. verbalize them and not hold them inside. make an inquiry; throw an idea out there.
and, since i don't like making waves and disturbing the equillibrium, this frightens me more than anyone can know.
but it has to be done, and i know this. i'm a procrastinator, though. i've been putting this off. i'd like to put it off some more, quite frankly, but it's happening sooner rather than later.
i don't want to make people mad. i don't want to come off as being pushy. but if not A, then B or C. i'm prepared for any reaction that comes my way. the result could be good or bad. such is life.
but i've never been one to make requests, or express how i feel about something. i was taught the life lesson that it was never my place to do so. keep your mouth shut, hope for the best, and if it doesn't pan out, then deal with it. you can't change it. accept your circumstances.
the prospect of opening my mouth to speak is overwhelmingly scary for me. but if i even want so much as the POSSIBILITY of getting what i want in any aspect of my life, then i have to at least put myself out there, right?
my strength has been tested quite a bit over the past year or 2. i've come this far. what's another leap further.
it's time to grow a set, meredith elaine.
posted by: less-than3
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