i tried to get the pole out of my ass, only to have to stick another pole down my throat
let's just say that lunch with a college acquaintance whom i've become friends with through the powers of myspace turned into FOUR MARGARITAS. in the middle of a monday afternoon.
so i did have to induce vomiting a few times last night, to expidite the process that i already knew was going to happen. water, water, everywhere does not kill the acidic qualities of tequila and guacamole. my throat is even worse off today than it was yesterday.
and i was feeling better - emotionally. more social. but of course, eventually the beer tears (so to speak, even though i was drinking margaritas) came, and i ended up subjecting eric to those qualities of myself that i hate. the parts that the scranton crew saw way too many times. the parts of me that make people leave. the parts of me that people don't love. the crying and fragility.
i'm cracking a bit under the pressure that i'm imposing on myself. and i'm trying so hard not to let it show. and i'm failing, again. i feel guilty for being a burden -- no matter what anyone says, i KNOW that i become one.
how do i know? because i've been TOLD it. to my face in an explosion of harsh words, after the wool was pulled over my eyes for so long -- when everything was getting better, and i was being praised for my progress, it was all a ruse.
and another time i was told by someone that they would probably NEVER tell me if i was becoming a pain in the ass about things, or becoming difficult. so basically, i'd be kept in the dark, without an opportunity to fix what was wrong or change or make up for my mistakes. i'd just be blindsided when all ties were cut, out of the blue. when said person wouldn't be able to take "me" anymore.
that's what i try SO hard to prevent! i just wish that i could someone get across that just because of the synapses in my brain don't connect quite correctly, or for whatever reason, i don't TRY to be like this. i don't TRY to be difficult. i don't try to cry.
i really do try my best to look out for everyone else first. i want you to be happy. i don't want to be the cause of any difficulties.
i'm trying so hard. i swear. i don't know how to convince anyone of that. i don't know how to apologize enough. i don't know how to shake this guilt.
for now, i'm just going to try and sleep off this sore throat, headache and sadness.
posted by: less-than3
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