because of you, i learned to play on the safe side so i don't get hurt
Mona is the same woman who runs the YOUNG LIFE program here in town.
and apparently someone else at the church said i should talk to this one guy in church about doing music stuff.
normally, i'd be at least somewhat into this, maybe. but the fact of the matter is that these people are uber-christian. which is fine...for them. but it's not me, and i can't pretend that it is. and i KNOW that's what this would turn into - an attempt to "convert" me or something. which i don't take kindly to. i don't want to be pushed, poked or prodded into religiosity.
i can't go ONE DAY in this household without some sort of reference to the church, or jesus, or whatever. and it makes me VERY VERY uncomfortable. but for the sake of peace in the household, i have to pretend not to be phased by it. at least until i leave. it hurts that i won't be accepted for being me.
i have friends who are christian. i have friends who are atheists. i am...confused and undecided as of right now. but the thing is, my friends have never tried to push me one way or the other. it's just a non-issue. i totally respect their beliefs, or lack thereof. and they respect mine, or lack thereof.
i am beginning to feel as if i am the church's new pet project. they want to Save me, they want to marry me off to their newly divorced sons...
what about what I want?
i want karaoke on thursdays. i want to read in bed all day on sundays. i want feather-light kisses and crushing group hugs. i want a carnation in a water bottle and a ramen dinner for two. i want to be (relatively) anxiety-free.
it's so difficult, right now, to keep summoning up the strength to keep marching on. but i have learned to trust my gut instinct. the times that i haven't - i have regretted it.
and my gut is telling me that all the strife will be worth it come march. at the very least, i'll embark on a new learning experience. the possibilities are endless.
i just have to make it through the winter...
posted by: less-than3
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