everything has got a sense of permanence attached to it
nicole = eloquent. meredith = ajfkdsjhfkla
i neglected to mention it last month -- my 3 year diary anniversary. even though i'm no longer neon7c, i think it's still my 3 year diaryland anniversary, don't you?
ooh i just checked -- traditional 3rd anniversary gift: leather. rawr. (ok, so that's for wedding anniversaries, and i'm not married. but hell, i might as well be married to diaryland, i spend so much time with it.)
diaryland, will you marry me?
i have 100% gone off the deep end.
i've been doing a lot of thinking lately...
take the money and run
how much is really holding me back from doing JUST THAT? less and less everyday, when i'm learning that there's very little difference between 2 and 12 hours. the roots shrivelled and discintigrated 2 years ago. no more ties to anywhere permanent -- even the place i cursed for over 12 years.
if i didn't climb and bounce off of walls -- i wouldn't hear any answers. but my ears whisper "selfish" in response to my desire to not have to try so hard.
2 years ago, i wanted to find out what i was made of -- it was a challenge to myself. but i packed my bags and it was made all too simple for me. now, i'm not doing anything different than i was doing in NJ -- i fell effortlessly into an office job, got into a series of bad relationships (luckily, no longer a problem), and remained, to one extent or another, crazy.
christ, i could have continued to do all of this RENT FREE. yes, the "philadelphia experiment", as i called it, has been a failure.
i know that i'm not staying in hatfield forever. but i'd really like my next destination to be something i look forward to, some place with promise. not just, "well, hatfield sucked, how about croydon?"
i look at pictures from my birthday, and from the Warped Tour. with L and B and my bf, and the randoms we've met along the way. the smile on my face is fucking HUGE. i'm not posing; i'm not pretending. it's the smile that i get when nicole and i are IMing, or when vazquez calls me just to sing to me, or when jenn, aka temp-roomie (remember her?) calls me, drunk off her ass at a wedding, to tell me that she misses me, and that soon she's going to be working only about 45 minutes from me for 3 months, and we sooooo have to hang out.
these people are my family. my heart.
i'm feeling so disjointed from my own flesh-and-blood family. they didn't tell me when they were all going to the beach house for my nephew's birthday. they couldn't get the dates of the NC vacation right, so that i could spend more than 3 days with my extended family. they couldn't get the directions right so that i could visit the beach house after my nephew's surgery. they couldn't clarify that my sister, bro-in-law and nephew were NOT going to be there.
i still haven't had my birthday with my family. and no, i'm not the most accessible person. most weekends, yeah, i do have stuff going on. but if someone just said "hey, sunday...don't make plans. come swing by," fuck yes i would do it. but you know what? no one's banging down MY door. my sister never even SAW my place in philly - i was there TWO YEARS. my parents were there...3, maybe 4 times? and i have a feeling it won't be much more than that here in hatfield.
yes, bitch and complain and guilt trip the hell out of me because i'm 2.2684 hours away...but you know what? routes 309, 202, I-287, and route 23 all run BOTH WAYS. i'd be more than happy to be the hostess, if you wanted me to be.
i'm sick of making every goddamn decision to please everyone else. why do I have to be the one hauling ass 89% of the time? why do I have to be the one to initiate the plans? waiting around for people who won't visit, unless i ask...more than once...
i'm content in my little meh job, in my little meh apartment. but so much of it is fucking STATIC. nothing changes. and yes, i want stability and constants and all that comes with that -- but i don't want to be just content with that. i want to be thoroughly happy. right now, i can quantify the amount of happy i have. i can give you specific instances, dates, times and anectdotes. but the truth of the matter is, that i'm just bobbing along in the water here. i'm not swimming. i'm not sinking.
i need the smile (MY smile) that has been photographed quite a bit in the past few weeks, to occur more often than just holidays and special occasions. my heart fucking BREAKS over this. no matter what i do, i disappoint someone - and that influences everything that i do. what if tomorrow, i got offered a job to be the Staffing QUEEN of north dakota? or as the nightly entertainment (as a SINGER, people, not THAT kind of entertainment) at a hotel in puerto rico?
what if i just want to up and go?
the questions: who would hate me? who would be hurt? who wouldn't give a fuck? who would guilt trip me until i die (or come back)? what if i lose everyone i love because of it? what if it all just became very, very awkward...?
when is it my turn? how do i MAKE it my turn? how do i make even the littlest things (cooking dinner, going grocery shopping...) actually matter, rather than just something else on my list of things to do?
act now. act now. act now. i'm sick of waiting. but i need to figure out the next move.
posted by: less-than3
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