maybe the stress will be GOOD for my diet?
my first weight watchers weigh in was last night. week #1 complete.
drum roll, please...
i lost .2 lbs.
not even a fucking quarter pound. granted, i was not a saint, but i REALLY felt as if i was on point. i looked in the mirror, and actually saw (or had a hallucination of) progress. my clothes felt looser, and i didn't look quite as lumpy as i have recently.
but the numbers game brought me down. i didn't even stay for the meeting. i left before i burst in tears. i knew i wouldn't be able to sit there for an hour.
(pathetic, i know)
no matter what, i'm going to always see myself as the fat kid who got teased. the one who got multitudes of drunken pity kisses. the one who hoped that sex would convince them to stay.
shouldn't i, at my age, be more secure than this? shouldn't i be giving off the i'm all that and then some, and if you don't realize that, you're a fucking fool kind of attitude? instead, i am caught in the fragile adolescent mindset. i haven't browsed a pro-ana website in quite some time. which i suppose is progress. it comes and goes in waves. sadly, i do have some of them still bookmarked. of course, if you LOOKED at me, you'd never think that i have any sort of ED whatsoever.
ok, enough talk of this.
*
today, the national manager (NM) visited our office. we're preparing for when J goes on maternity leave, and i'm the "elder" of the office. actually, NM referred to me as the "Office Manager" and how i'll have to delegate responsibilities to the new Admin/Staffing coordinator and our salesperson.
i responded that instead of having a bottle of water and diet pepsi on my desk, i'll have Tagamet, Pepto, Rolaids and Tums.
i know NOTHING about anything legal. how am i supposed to staff the job orders? is the philadelphia branch going to fall apart under my "rule"? i was out of the loop for most of the orders filled since i've been at this job. busy being the receptionist for the permanent placement side of our office (which has since split off from us) i have nothing to go on. they need to realize this. they seem to think i'm some sort of legal staffing goddess.
NM is even asking if i'd stay until May. i had no idea that J's maternity leave was going until may. i thought it was only going through april. off handedly, NM said that if i went month-to-month on my lease, SHE'D pay my rent!
we spoke for a while today about where i'm going to move to, and what i'm planning to do. as i was mentioning the different cities/regions i'm considering, she said that she had "connections" in some of them, and that she'd help me out in any way that she could. "and you're listing me as a reference, right?" she asked me.
seems as if J, NM, and i suppose the company in general has such faith in me. and i'm convinced i'm going to fuck this all up. i never wanted to be in this position. it's terrifying. it's putting me in panic just to think of it all. making my stomach turn.
posted by: less-than3
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