my life ain't pretty, but apparently i am (aka i love you guys so much!)
seriously, holy hell! how sweet is this? and he left me a sweet compliment on my buzznet account. everyone who left notes and guestbook messages...
...your checks are in the mail. heh.
i just have really shitty self-esteem is what it boils down to. a childhood being the ugly/fat kid will do that, i suppose.
it's amazing how the smallest sparks can set off any number of results. i guess that's the intrigue of psychology. issues and disorders and chemical imbalances -- which are genetic? which are situational/atmospheric?
why am i the way i am? is it because i was teased for my weight? is it because i stand in my sister's shadow? is it because my dad drinks too much? is it because some genetic blip was passed down through the generations on my mother's side of the family? is it because i am a bad person? is it because i bring it on myself?
i recently admitted and acknowledged a sad fact about myself: if i was in an abusive relationship, it's fairly safe to assume that i would stay.
that's sick, isn't it?
i expect some flak for saying that. i don't want it, but i'm sure i'll get it. it's not as if i'd seek it out. i'm just making a blanket assumption based on my dating history.
sadly, my past relationships/hook-ups are a varied assortment of abuses and dysfunctionalities. mental abuse/manipulation, sexual abuse...add date rape in there, and it's a pretty picture, isn't it?
it's so pathetic of me. and i can hear the choruses of "it's not your fault".
i don't know if i can believe that.
they still left me. they still didn't call me, or ever make contact again. i wasn't good enough "as-is". but even after they did what they wanted with and/or to me, i STILL wasn't worth keeping.
i've torn up photos. i've deleted diary entries. i've written hate-poetry. i've thrown out keepsakes. i've tried to drink, smoke, eat, starve and puke it all away. i've gone to psychologists. i've been medicated. i've been in support groups.
and i'm still trying to figure out what i did wrong. still trying to manipulate myself into some version of perfection that will be accepted and loved. i've tried so many times and always failed.
every year, and each relationship found a way to build upon my imperfections, leaving me so terribly flawed for the one who has me now.
how do i apologize enough for that?
i guess i should give myself an ounce of credit. i did break up with the 2 guys who were fucking with my head (the most).
but all the times that my body was quote-unquote violated, i never fought. shouldn't that have counted for something? didn't that prove my devotion? how much i cared? how i put insert any of several names here before myself?
(all i ever wanted was for you to be happy)
i just took it, with deadened eyes, figuring that it would all be over soon. i didn't always say the word "no", but i didn't say "yes" either. i was not in my body at the time. i was watching it from far away. but not far enough that i didn't feel it. not far enough that i didn't see the blood.
but i swore that it meant that random name would love me more. would care. would call me in a few days like he said he would.
shows how naive and stupid i was. how many mistakes i've made over and over again.
i still have a lot to learn.
that is why i'm so thankful for what i have now. words cannot express that enough.
<3
ps - don't worry, i'm not leaving this diary. just due to some prying eyes, AGAIN, i felt the need to add a disclaimer. just letting certain people know what they're in for if they read...
posted by: less-than3
[if you like what you read, please clix me!]
meredithelaine's recently played tracks:
meredithelaine's most played tracks of the past week:
